Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.
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[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Fell asleep in the Natural History Museum again, now everybody thinks I’m an exhibit
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
“Why are the balloon bouquets more expensive than packaged balloons? It’s just air!”
Exactly
“What?”
It’s inflation
“I hate you”
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
[blind date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a remote control“Your eyes are beau-
*sinks into seat crevice, lost for weeks*DAMMIT NOT AGAIN
My girlfriend [31f] doesn’t know how to count months and it’s actually causing problems in our relationship [31m]
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
ME: I have an appointment for 1:30
RECEPTIONIST: may I have your last name?
ME: omg *tearing up* yes, I’ll marry you
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.