I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
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[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
I don’t understand people with clean houses. My house looks like a hurricane and tornado broke in, got into a brawl, and left
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
*Snowstorm on it’s way*
America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!
Canadians – better hit the beer store.
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Remember, when you’re driving in the snow, it’s important to speed up and go as fast as you can so you don’t get stuck.
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.