[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
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what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
DATE: In my room when I was younger [smiles] I used to sing with a hairbrush
ME [spits out drink] I never even knew hairbrushes could sing
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
my dog: shlop, shlop
me: don’t drink too fast you’ll get sick
my dog: SHLOPSHLOPSHLOPSHLOP
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
So your face, is it permanently like that or are you genuinely surprised every time you take a selfie?
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.