My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
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Is this the real life?
Is this just
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
I refuse to stay at a Holiday Inn until they publicly specify what holiday they are referring to.
In Canada they just call them geese
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
me: babe watch me flip this omelette!
her: cool
me: now watch me kick flip this omelette!!
her: sick!!!
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
United Steaks of America
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
By the end of their life, everyone will have appeared in at least two Fast & Furious movies
[jungle book]
bagheera: “you can’t fight him like a wolf, you’re NOT a wolf, fight him like a man”
mowgli: [writes a strongly worded e-mail]
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.