Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
You Might Also Like
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
people always talk about how they love to sit in their cars for a while once they get home. whenever i do that, my uber driver yells at me
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂