When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me Google it.
*laptop blows away*Pretty close.
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When you don’t understand how floors work
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”
I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Nobody ever collects famous first words.
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Spent a summer in Rome, so I’m fluent in dropping that into conversation
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
do u think theres a butter planet?