I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
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I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Zookeeper: This panda is on the rampage and I only have 1 tranquilizer dart
Me: it’s pandamonium!
Zookeeper: [shoots me right between the eyes]
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
What if I’ve been finding a new single sock in the dryer and not losing one, all along?
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
People say “like a boss” as if they forgot how much bosses suuuuck
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.