“Yes officer, *rolling eyes* I know what a traffic light is I passed the captcha test on three tries.”
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Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
My dog gets anxiety and bites her nails and it’s weird because she doesn’t even have bills, chores, social media, or a husband.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too