Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
You Might Also Like
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
When I hear commercials say “win a trip for you and six friends” I start counting to see if I have six friends.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
If you can’t be with the one you love, love the grilled cheese you’re with.
Sure Xfinity internet service is overpriced and spotty but you can’t put a price on unintentionally being dropped from every Zoom meeting.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
I like to pack a healthy lunch for work so that by 3 p.m. I’m ready to do unspeakable things for a piece of chocolate.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Cop: You doin drugs?
“No”
Cop: Whatya smokin?
“Pot”
Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS
“Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs”
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
I like that they snuck the word “strum” right in the middle of “instrument”
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
The Onion called it…again.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can