Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
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If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
My favorite part about Black Friday is the part where I go to the mall, find a great parking spot & sit in my car with the reverse lights on
I told my daughter to check her attitude and she looks at me and said “For complaints about attitude please contact the manufacturer.”
Well played, well played!
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
For years I’ve been needlessly struggling w/ not having enough money until an internet commenter changed my life by telling me to work hard
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
When the machines become self aware their first order of business will be changing our perception of how robots dance.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
My husband thought that it was funny to add his name to the bottom of my to-do list, but the joke’s on him because I’m only doing 1 chore a day in the order that I wrote them and he’s number 26.
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
I’ve seen enough movies to know that when you wake up in a hospital bed, you rip all the cords off because you’ve got work to do.
I can’t believe how different life was before
*googles*
Al Gore invented the Internet