I am “cool” and “chill” and “stuck inside the walk in freezer.”
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At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
I implanted a voice-modulating chip in my neighbor’s chihuahua, so now, whenever he barks, it sounds like the sax riff from Careless Whispers. So soothing.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
[grabs mic at wedding]
yooo I got u guys a kitchenaid mixer and u will never use it
*interrupts eulogy*
SOMEONE SAID THAT ALMOST WORD FOR WORD AT THE LAST FUNERAL
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.