[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
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Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
no no i’m not stressed i just constantly grind my teeth and clench my jaw for fun.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
PETER PIPER: honey i picked another peck of pickled peppers
WIFE: [motioning to pantry already full of peppers] peter literally what the fu
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
I think I sprained my hot dog eatin’ wrist
Spiders were super disappointed when they finally saw the world wide web.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
What base is it when he says, “Stop calling me. We broke up three years ago”?
Peanut butter
You’re almost as good as chocolate
Which is almost as good as cheese
Which is tied with vodka-Poem about the food pyramid
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
On the phone:
Me – Do you have brown or beige gravy for Thanksgiving?
Mom – Brown, why?
Me – No reason.
(Pulls out brown shirt for preemptive spills)