I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
You Might Also Like
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
bert: i want a divorce
wife: are u…
bert: don’t
wife: *holding in laughter* are u sherbert?
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Monday
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me: When’s your break today?
Him: Not sure. I’ll send you a DM
*doorbell rings*
Demi Moore: Ok, he’s ready for lunch
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”
2020 is not Jumanji, it’s X-files.
I don’t know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?