*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
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I was wondering why so many houses on zillow had the same ugly carpeting. Reader, I clicked on the same house multiple times.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time