I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
You Might Also Like
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
DATE: …so that’s how I ended up at Harvard Law!
ME: Sometimes I make a fruit salad in my mouth by biting into different kinds of fruit LOL
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
Did you know baby cuddlers are a thing in hospitals? What a great volunteer service, to love on newborn babies. All those new baby smells. I’d do it, but I think they search your purse on the way out.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Whoever is responsible for “tear here” that doesn’t work, I will find you.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.