therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
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gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
*Bat signal lights up Gotham*
Mothra: GODDAMNIT *just flies straight into it*
WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
*seductively eats two tums*
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…
…18 if you’re obnoxious.
I’m ready for Halloween this year
My son cuddled up to my bump and was talking about how he could see the baby and it would have been cute if I were pregnant.
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
this is literally a CIA plant
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”