me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
That’s what I call a flat tire
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
[at the animal shelter]
Volunteer: This cat would do best going to a quiet home with no children.
Me: Can I go with her?
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My parents never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, “Who murdered this guy with a pipe?”
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.