Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
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The only equipped I am is ill.
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
Fun Date Idea: Find a balloon, forget about the date, you have a balloon now.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.