Mugger: Give me all your money!
Me: Ok
Mugger: *suddenly poorer*
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When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Violence is not the answer, unless you’re a gaggle of children instructed to break into a piñata.
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
If you spin an oriental person around until they get dizzy, do they become disoriented? #LifeQuestions
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
@funTweeters I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers
1) My wife and I are fighting
2) My phone has an annoying ringtone whenever someone RTs me
3) My phone is in the room where she’s sleeping
WIFE: Who was at the door?
ME: More carol singers.
HER: What did they sing?
ME: Silent Night
HER: I hope you didn’t t-
ME: I twerked.
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
me adding lol on a serious message
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.