me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
You Might Also Like
The only time my kids and I actually agree on anything is when they try to roast me and I reply YO MAMA by accident.
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
The evil clown mannequin I put in my window must be working because no one has ever broken in. Or visited me.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
Dentist: open
Me: *opens*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: wider
Me: *opens more*
Dentist: that’s it, now come in and take a seat
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows