I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
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Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
It’s like the people who drive Smart cars don’t even realize that other cars are an option.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Friends that check up on you >
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.