I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
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BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
This woman in a commercial says “I just tried a new laxative that’s both gentle and fast” then gets in her car and drives off and I’m questioning whether she really thought this through
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
If this whole existence thing is just a dream, I’d rate it a Rotten Tomatoes 47%: the scenes are haphazardly thrown together, the story drags, the villains are boring and stupid and there’s not enough nudity
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
By age 35 you should:
-live in a cave on a mountain
-hate everyone
-try to destroy christmas at least once
-develop the capacity for empathy and compassion but only after your scheme fails
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.