I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Ordering a meat lover’s pizza is too much commitment for me. I could definitely do a meat liker’s pizza.
Or a meat “lets not ruin this by putting labels on it” pizza.
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
ME REGULARLY: *uses the same 3 things at home*
ME PACKING FOR VACATION: I wonder if I’ll need 4 French horns or 5
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
For cardio I live beyond my means.