On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
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Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
Wife: *on phone* our son is on the ceiling, I think he’s possessed
Me: by Spider-Man?
Wife: his head just spun around
Me: *eyes narrow* Owl-Man
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
If you walk around eating a potato like an apple, no one will bother you.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular