Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
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Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
doctor: and are u sexually active
puppet: he is not
doctor: i cant mark it down on the chart if it doesn’t come out of ur mouth
me (sadly putting my puppet down): i am not
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
My 4yo heard me say my shoulders were hurting and offered to give me a massage. She proceeded to punch and poke me a few times and then said “all done”. And honestly, I’ve paid for worse.
Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed