I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
Perfect
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Proof that kids sometimes listen…
5: Why are you not getting dressed to take me to school?
Me: I’m dressed
5: Those look like pajamas
Me:
5: Did you brush your teeth?
Me: Yes
5: Let me smell
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
Whenever I draw or paint anything I say look what my kids did when they were toddlers
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Family: Why would you get tattoos? They’re expensive and painful to get and they are PERMANENT!
Also family: Have a baby 🙂
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
After my honeymoon, my ex apparently felt like a new man… and so did I.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
THE TIREDNESS ON THE COUCH NEVER TRANSLATES TO THE BED AND I DEMAND TO KNOW WHY
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
them: is that a real sword
me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
Just back from my first rap battle. Complete disaster. I thought it was a nap battle and when the other guy saw my pajamas I was doomed.