COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
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Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
If someone says they’re a lover not a fighter it’s completely legal to punch them to see if it’s true.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
But what is Congress going to do about the fact that I made too much pasta last night 😡
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
Home #decor warning.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
If you meet a baby named “Doris”, it’s not polite to offer her a cigarette.
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.