Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
We gave DanceBot a machete as a joke. No one could have predicted the rhythmic horror that came next.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
*walks into hospital carrying baby*
“What’s your return policy on this thing?”
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
*im applying Chapstick and doing curtseys in the mirror*
*dad walks past*
*dad double takes*
*im doing push-ups and drinkin a protein snake*
Let’s legalize all drugs so Americans finally learn the metric system.
ME: argh the salty air be getting to me head just hand over the treasure ya scurvy knave
LONG JOHN SILVERS CASHIER: *rolls eyes* *gives me my change*
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
If I were British I would carry around a monicle and drop it whenever I was horrified
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one.
IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off.
ME: Too late, I ate it.
They say the human body is 60% water, but after extensive observation of my husband and son, I’d like to submit a revision to the data. Those two are at least 50% wind.
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.