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What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
Avoid the struggle of taking off a sports bra by never exercising.
me: our first night as man and wife
bride: you know what that means 😉
me: yep, I can finally show you *pulls mouse from pocket* this
bride: what
me: I dressed him up to look like will ferrel
spouse: why
me: cause I’ve been saving mice elf for marriage
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder