Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
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When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
My three-hour meeting ended 18 minutes early and the leader told us all to “enjoy that free time, take care of ourselves and relax” like she had just given us all free weeklong Princess cruises
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
If you can get the pronouns right for a boat you can get them right for a person
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Got upgraded to a fancy suite and didn’t want to be judged, so I’m tidying up the room before housekeeping comes to clean
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Just hiked to a waterfall in the middle of Maine and halfway through as I was starting to feel super proud about doing this somewhat difficult hike by myself a 70 year old woman passed me going the other way wearing flip flops and holding a bud light.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo