if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
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Me: I need to make better life choices.
Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
presenting your incognito window wrapped
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
A little too much information.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”
Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.