I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
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Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
I’m watching a show about a cold case in a place called Townsville, and I’m furious the stupid cops have not asked the Powerpuff Girls for assistance. It’s incompetence is what it is.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
My kid turned me down for a goodnight hug and kiss but did offer me a nice handshake, so I’m glad we can sustain a professional relationship
prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. She’s now passed out on the kitchen floor. I don’t negotiate with terrorists.
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir