I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
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Me at 23: I can’t believe someone called the cops on us, it’s only 1am!!
Me at 43: It’s 10 o’clock and they’re still making noise. Call the cops.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
I have done about 300 crunches for my new exercise routine.
299 of them are Nestlé.
Grocery clerk: sir please stop
Me: *smashing eggs with my fist* none of these are ripe
goldilocks was so stupid for not wanting to sleep in a bed too big for her. oh nooo i’m tooo comfy!! shut up
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
for a small fee i’ll attend your funeral from a distance wearing a black leather catsuit while standing in the rain and crying, no umbrella, so your family thinks you could have been batman.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.