One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
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I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
god: here are the animals
man: [pointing to horse] i’m making that one wear shoes
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
Imagine if food was sports
No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.
Cabin 1: *coughs
Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?
Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
fair
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there