I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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I’m tired tomorrow.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
Nothing’s more important than family, particularly if your kidneys are starting to fail.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
[working late]
ME: I’m starting to fall asleep.
CO-WORKER: When that happens to me, I slap my cheek really hard. You should try it.
ME: *smacks him in the face* You’re right, I feel better.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Real men don’t need guns. One time I beat a burglar to death with a sleeve of Ritz crackers and used the crumblings for a casserole crust.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
10 just informed me that exercising releases inner-dolphins. If that’s not a reason to exercise, then I don’t know what is.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
DEVIL: You shall stay forever young, but this picture of you will bear the marks of your sin!
DORIAN: Can I hide it?
DEVIL: Well, yes, but—
DORIAN: And there are no other consequences?
DEVIL: This… This picture will become so foul!
DORIAN: Again, probably I’ll hide the picture.
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
Before handing your wallet and wife’s necklace over to that angry gunman, pause to consider how sweet it would be if your son became Batman.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
My 4 year old nephew once stopped in the middle of soccer game to yell out to his mom that he smelled BBQ.
We are clearly related.
i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people