Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
You Might Also Like
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
When you say “You’re going to hate me for this” you’re making a very large assumption that I don’t hate you already
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.