I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
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Hey, I tried to parallel park into a spot and goosed it twice so I’m just gonna go home. Enjoy brunch though, I’ll catch you next week.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we’re descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they’ll panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
My cat sleeps next to her food bowl and it inspired me to move my bed to the kitchen
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
In every IKEA there is a magical filing cabinet labeled raccoons, DO NOT OPEN THIS FILING CABINET!
Girl, are you any art project I made as a child? Because you don’t look great and my mom is having difficulty pretending to like you.
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
“When a girl says ‘Awww Thanks!’, it means she’s politely asking you to return to the friend zone that you just tried to escape from.”
Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.