Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
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Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
Wife: Wanna try bondage?
Me: SURE
Wife: [makes me build a pyramid]
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.