wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
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saving face 👀
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle