Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
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Juliet: Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo (lost somewhere in Verona): Google Maps doth hateth me.
same bro
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
with extra mice
“rice or mice”
mice
“we don- are u a snake”
yes
“we cant deliver to a snake”
d’you know how long it took to dial this number
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Feels like there should be a middle ground
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
[Traffic Stop]
Cop: Sir, please step out of the car
Me: But you said…
Cop: I said 3 minutes tops & you promised not to touch the siren.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Reminder that today is Make Your Kid Lunch for School so They Can Forget it at Home Day.