Me: Hi, thanks for meeting with me. Oh is it pronounced Caroline or Carolynn?
Her: anything is fine
Me: ……..ok Sarah, let’s get started.
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I had the car up on the jack loosening the lug nuts, neighbor says you’re going to kill yourself here let me show you, and that’s how you get someone to change a tire for you.
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
“Oh, hello! I didn’t see you there” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you.
I hope the hot young mom across the street stops mowing the lawn soon. I don’t want my husband having any inappropriate thoughts, like I might start doing yard work.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
[first day as a Detective]
me: omg he was invisible
partner: that’s a chalk outline
me: [under breath] and they stole the body
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Her: Has anyone ever told you that you’re a narcissist?
Me: Many times. What can I say? Nobody’s perfect.
Except for me, obviously.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
Kids are making millions off apps and games they’ve created and I haven’t watched TV in days because I hit a wrong button on the remote…
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Everyday is talk like a pirate day if you’re committed and annoying enough
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Apparently my neighbors are having a slamming the door every 5 minutes party