Rage-folding a planking baby who is refusing to get into their car seat is the original CrossFit
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The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
Here’s a little song I wrote about our child trying to make her own smoothie in the blender it’s called “Yogurt on the Ceiling, Bananas on the Wall” and a one and a two
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
[trying to get a massage]
How much for a happy ending?
“Sir, this is a library!”
*whispers* sorry, how much for a happy ending?
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Dad: You spent $750 for a college class on human anatomy? Do you think we’re MADE OF MONEY??
Me: Not anymore
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Boss: you look a bit lost
Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you
Boss: About what
Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening
Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!
[8 years later]
Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
There’s no problem you can’t solve with a great night of dancing.
Except for a broken foot.
Then you should see a doctor.
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
9: I noticed there is bacon in the fridge
Me: yes
9: you gonna cook it?
Me: yes
9: I love you
Me: I know
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before