excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
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I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
This club sucks & tell the DJ to lighten up on the Enigma.
SON, YOU PASSED OUT. THIS IS A CATHEDRAL
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
Does anyone know a good locksmith? I spent the entire day cleaning the entire house and need to keep my family out.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
Yup!
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Me: You’re a cat person aren’t you?
Her: [Completely ignores me]
Me: Knew it!
My coworkers and I pitched in to buy Greece
as a retirement gift for the boss..We decided it was better than a $50 Applebee’s gift card.
you will never know the true number of layers
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*