Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
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You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
klingon
*two claps*
klingoff
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Why is “you’re a peach” a compliment but “you’re bananas” is an insult? Why do we allow such fruit discrimination?
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
A Short Story.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one