The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd
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George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Me: *dressed as a dragon*
Wife: I meant SEXUAL fantasy
Me: *handing her a donkey outfit* ya
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, I didn’t have my phone” is bullshit.
“I’m sorry I didn’t see your text, my phone was four feet away and a cat climbed into my lap” is real. It’s possible. It’s terrifying.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Hubs: I want to Marie Curie our house.
Me: Damn you hate our house that much?
Hubs: I think I’m thinking of the wrong person
Me: Did you mean Marie Kondo?
Hubs: Yes!!
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
Dancing naked and the neighbors saw me.
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.