Can I donate fat instead of blood?
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Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[at the opera]
Date: this is going on forever
Me: oh, they can’t stop until I sing
Welcome to Psychic Abilities 101.
Today’s class was just rescheduled for tomorrow. If you’re here now, you failed.
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…
2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
How and why my FUR ROOM exists
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
getting old is fun
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
doctor: im afraid u only have a few minutes left to live
me: [sobs] oh my god are u sure
doctor: [pulls out gun] im totally sure
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
me: there’s a fly in my soup
waiter: quite sorry, we’ll get you another at once
me: no, just the one is enough
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil