*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
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Welcoming 2023 with the same energy.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
Starting a YouTube channel where I’ll react to people reacting to people reacting to reaction videos.
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
*tornado takes out half of my house*
Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
No one :
Me when I swimming :
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Jogging has never helped my memory.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
If I see a dog in a hot car, I’m always troubled.
Why don’t I have a hot car like that?
How much does that dog make per year?
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
My professor handed back our 3 page film essays to my surprise I got a C after class I asked her why “you were supposed to write it about the movie The Emperor of Time.. you wrote it on The Emperor’s new Groove but it was kinda good so I didn’t fail you” so thats how im doing
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?