This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
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It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
The longest 30 seconds of your life happen when you shut the router off to reset the WiFi
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
me: thanks for the new bath toy
her: you’re welcome
me: oh and it makes toast too?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
tony soprano is my role model because he’s always lightly sweating and yet still highly respected by his peers
Husband: Should we hit the gym today?
Me: *drawing pumpkin eyes with a Sharpie on my stomach* What?
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
Husband: *begs me to watch Lord of the Rings for the past 10 years.
*finally watches it*
Me: Why didn’t you recommend it sooner?
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I like waiters.
They bring a lot to the table.
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.