Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
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Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
Eat…
@funTweeters
ME: *movie trailer voice* coming this summer…
WIFE: not if you keep that shit up.
I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
When news reporters do sports stories
“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
These aliens are taking forever.
My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Me: how are you
Friday: good
Breaking news:
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.