Memories are a bit fuzzy — but regrets? They’re in 8K and Dolby Vision.
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Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
You can’t always get what you want, but if you cry loud enough you’ll at least have the satisfaction of making everyone really uncomfortable
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
Waiting on this storm is like waiting on your mom to get home when you’re in trouble.
You know she’s pissed, you just don’t know HOW pissed
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
My doctor doesn’t like it when he tells me to disrobe and I say “you first, I’m shy.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not